American Woman

via The Beautiful Struggler - Me, Myself and Eye

Part 2 of the YouTube rambling. I know I seem drunk, but I was actually falling asleep on the inside. My voice is not that annoying in real life, I swear.

What up, what up? I hope all is well kinfolk. I had a great weekend in DC, but I am truly glad to be back in Brooklyn!

Actually, that is a complete lie. I'm glad to live here, but I could have used another week away. I hate mini-getaways. By the time I get nice and comfortable, it's time to go back home! Oh well. Shout outs to the HU Campus Pals(current and past), Sister Salud and the people who make the breakfast burritos at Soul Vegetarian on Georgia Avenue for making my brief jaunt special. No shout out to the drivers who made our 4.5 hour trip home in to a SEVEN HOUR excursion. And NO shout out to the NYPD for towing my car away not two hours after I returned. It's so cold in NYC, how I'm 'posed to have peace?

We have so much to talk about! On Friday, Sir Fabulous and I went to see a taping of The Wendy Williams Show! If you caught it, you probably heard the crowd's reaction when I yelled out something mildly inappropriate at Lil Romeo. Suzie Oreman was the other guest and she gave us a copy of her book. I am going to read it and hopefully the next time my car gets towed, I won't be absolutely screwed. The true highlight of the afternoon came when Wendy complimented my outfit! I have truly arrived! You know, she's more than a "friend in my head", she's a kindred spirit: too tall, huge boobs, champagne swiller, fag hag, big hair, flawless skin. We could be sisters.

Now, I've been promising to address the sisters for a spell now. Let's get in to it. I'm starting with the one sister I know the best: myself.

I've been on a big self-reflection kick for a while and I feel like the past few months have seen me change in quite a few ways. In the past, I feel that my greatest sources of pride came from my intelligence and my sense of humor. These were the most important traits I possessed, likely because I have always been confident about the fact that I am smart and witty. The way I felt about my looks was a very, very different story. I believed that I was cute, or rather, that I had cute features. But I felt certain that most people would not recognize that until I shed some weight. Though I have always received attention from guys, it was rarely from the demographic groups I wanted it from. I began to feel like I was wasting my God-given charms and being told that I was pretty "for a big girl" enough times gave me conviction on that note.

Fearing my 24th birthday and feeling that I would never feel beautiful enough with all the extra weight, I made the decision to change my body in order to change my life. Friends may argue me on this, but I firmly believe that much of the reason I didn't captivate the men I so desired was because I was too big...if not because of my size, then because my size took a toll on my self-confidence and swagger. I couldn't work my size because I hated it so much.

I start working out and eating better. And I drop a few dress sizes, firm up and start feeling a lot better about myself. And everything is well now, right? Wrong! Back when I was extra big (by my standards), I felt like getting back to my high school weight would make me happy. Now that I am there, I have set the bar even higher. I have made my goal weight 20 pounds lighter than when I started (which means I have 30 more pounds to lose). I'm not content with simply being "not fat". I want to be BANGING. I want to be the chick who makes the men all pause.

All these years of caring so much about being the smart girl, I now care more about being the fine one. I know that looks fade and intelligence is far more valuable. However, when it comes to dating (amongst other things), you can't show anyone how smart you are if you can't get your foot in the door! And while I still think I'm fine with these remaining extra pounds on my frame, I'd be a fool to think I've completed my work physically if I haven't gotten what I desire yet.

Undoubtedly, you are wondering what my point is in saying all this. I just wanted to show you, as I have in the past, that even a proud, radical Afro-feminist is subject to the poison of the Western beauty standard. For all my understanding of how society reduces a woman to the sum of her physical parts, it is still of the utmost importance than men find me to be beautiful and alluring. What value does being "pretty" have if it doesn't translate to fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships with men? For me, absolutely none.

I just wanted to get that off of my chest. For the record, I am STILL fresher than your girlfriend and flyyer than your crew. I went in on myself today. Sisters, I'm coming for y'all tomorrow. Be prepared!

Best,
Sister Toldja

Share this story on: