PSA: The NEW New Workout Plan

via The Beautiful Struggler - Me, Myself and Eye

Nothing I hate more than a raggedy arse man looking like dust tracks on a road who has the nerve to be a public critic of female beauty.

Ok, that's a lie. There are things I hate more.

I do not usually pass much judgement over people born after 1989, because they aren't really people yet. However, I hate Soulja Boy. I hate his soul. I hate the alarm clock that wakes up each morning. I hate his breath for flowing through his lungs. I hate the cells in his body for continuing to, er, cellulate or whatever it is that cells do.

But bogus men passing bogus judgements over women is still pretty high on my hate list. I've observed it online*, I have observed it on the streets and even amongst friends and former classmates. Everyone has their flavor and everyone has those folks they find to be repugnant. Fine. But it seems that men are guiltier than women when it comes to having insanely skewed self-perception and overly inflated self-esteem.

When I peek at Twitter or walk down the block and see some double-D endowed man talking about a woman's body or insinuating that some stunning woman "could get it" from him, it irks my soul. Some of y'all men got a LOT of nerve thinking y'all have an inch of space in which to judge in any lane of attractiveness. Perhaps you could discern between toothless crackheads and betoothed ones, but that's about it.

In fact, unfortunate looking fellas, what SOME of y'all need to do is get to working out. I don't mean your body (even though a ripped physique will redeem you in the eyes of some women), I mean your attitude. Some of y'all need to do some PERSONALITY PUSHUPS.

Yes, you may use that, just credit it back to me. Thanks.

Personality pushups. Own the knowledge that God made dirt, dirt don't hurt, but you look like it and it ain't helping you pull no skirts. Realize that you really aren't in a place to be Judgey McJudgerton when it comes to the feminine form. Work on your attitude. Learn to tell a bomb ass joke. Be a good listner. Have intelligent things to say. Be nice to children and the elderly. Get that personality in top flight shape so that no one will notice the less than stellar things going on between the top of your head and the soles of your feet.

I'd totally name some famous examples of fellas who have mastered the personality pushup, but I won't. Why? Because when you have a GREAT personality, what kind of evil jerk would publicly talk about how you look?

See, it works!

However, I WILL give an example of some folks who could use a few hours in the genteel gym:

50 Cent is an asshole, which he only gets away with because he has money and a lot of female AND male groupies seem to think that is important. As I am not blinded by that sort of thing, I see him for exactly what he is physically: a homo thug version of McGruff the crime dog. Meow! Ruff!

You again! Damn your essence! Three cuts in your eyebrows trying to wild out. Save the cuts for your wrists and put your lights out....see, I can be a rapper too. That sounded like a Drake line! Or...a Kia Shine line? How confusing.

Oh sh!t! I never heard anything about Fergie's personality, but her cultural pillaging/terrible music put her on my chopping block. Photoshop has served her beautifully in magazines, but in reality, her face looks like Madonna's arms. I love you Madge, and I am sorry to disrespect your arms that way.

And for all you nasty street-scum of questionable repute (and hygiene): I think SOME of you menfolk would do better to hand out roses or perhaps cookies on the street to women passing by. Maybe cakes. Strawberry shortcakes made with butter you churned yourself and strawberries from your own strawberry patch. And you may want to print out pictures of yourself churning said butter and picking those berries. And offer to donate $1 for every cake handed out to the Children's Aid Society. This and ONLY this will undue the years of uglyfaced man judging uninterested women verballyness that you have clocked.

And don't forget your pushups.

*-Clearly, men are not the only ones guilty of this. A lot of bloggers and blog commenters ought to be ASHAMED for the things they say about other women. Most of these broads look more like Tameka Raymond (who I think is pretty, natch) than Beyonce. Y'all roast a "regular" sister to hell in one breath and turn around and complain about the constant stream of mixed-looking chicks in the Negro media. What do you broads want?

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