Let's Talk About Sex Postive 3: And Doing It Well

via The Beautiful Struggler - Me, Myself and Eye

After a few very heavy days of unpacking pain and engaging pathologies as they pertain to sex, it seems high time to deal with what SHOULD be the fun part: the sex! We've all had "Better Than No Sex" sex or "That Wasn't Worth The Hours Of Sleep" sex. I don't know about y'all, but I am all about the business of making any sex I'm having great.

Before you can be comfortable with your partner, you have to be comfortable with YOURSELF! If you didn't get a chance to check out Monday's piece, I wanted to emphasize the need to look at yourself in the mirror and be turned on. What's sexy about someone who doesn't find his or herself to be sexy? Very little. If you can't disrobe for for yourself without focusing 100% of your attention on what's wrong with you, then you will project that same lack of confidence to your partner. Taking what ever steps you need to address those issues as they exist outside of the bedroom will likely create an improved sense of freedom in the bedroom.

She's not dreaming about losing that last ten pounds. She's dreaming about that fine ass man in her bed.

We get mixed messages from the media and from our communities. There are people telling us not to have sex and those telling us that sex is the most important thing ever and that we are losing if we aren't screwing. Most of us end up somewhere in the middle. We're having sex, great. But are we good at it? Are we supposed to just learn by trial and error? Or bust out those somewhat intimidating Cosmo sex tips on an unwitting lover? What about this widespread female practice of faking orgasms? What is the purpose of that?

I can't speak for everyone, but once I figured out that I wasn't doing much but providing a warm body in the bed, I approached sex like it was skill I had to learn. I consulted some books, some magazines, some porn. To figure out what I enjoyed, I got real familiar with myself and the products that were created to help me do so. To better understand what turned my lovers on, I asked them. It was very awkward at first; I was in college and I know I was saying stuff they weren't used to hearing- "What is your favorite part of....", "What can I do to make this better?", etc. I have other girlfriends who have admitted to the same and it seems to have been a useful tool for all of us in building a sexual repiore that is both impressive to the other person and beneficial to me.

Humans have a hard time communicating with one another and the bedroom is no exception. Be it explaining to your occasional "buddy" that you don't like doggy style or explaining to your long-term love that his "special move" does nothing for you, we often times have a hard time saying the things we need to say to get the sex we want. We don't want to hurt our partner's feelings, we don't want to look like freaks, we don't understand what it is we want to ask for in the first place. Think about it this way: if you can open up your mouth to some one's penis, you can open it to say "You know what I would really like?"

They actually just had that "Stapleton Sex"*** Good things come to those who communicate.

I took a lot of sexual "L's" before I decided that I would rather have a potentially awkward moment of conversation than a night of boring, painful or otherwise unfulfilled sex. One of my dearest friends said to me not long ago "The best sex, for me, is like a conversation". I think that sums up my sexual mission statement more than anything else I've ever heard. What I personally enjoy most is sharing a mutual experience: two people focused on both their personal pleasure and the pleasure of their partner. It doesn't matter if love or lust brought me to that bedroom ~~parking lot or playground~~, I'm bringing my A game and I feel that the person who gets the pleasure of my time should do the same. One of the highest compliments I ever got from an ex-lover was that he felt like sex with me was a give and take, whereas in the past, he always felt like he was either f*cking or being f*cked.

I didn't want it on my face, he shoulda known that! Now I gotta wash my hair in the morning and I'ma be late for work.

A sexual "conversation" is not about keeping an orgasm tally or making sure that every act is reciprocated every time. I've had great sexual experiences that didn't result in a climax and I've also chosen on occasion to completely focus on my partner without requiring any special attention in return. I've also laid on my back and let a man do most of the work when the time called for it. Not every sexual angle is for every sexual partner or for every encounter. That's why I am so big on the communication piece. If you and your lover can be in a place where you can lay your desires on the table (with or without words), you are probably gonna have a better time than the couple on two very different pages of two very different books. If I can't look you in the eye and say "Babe, you know what I need tonight?" or "Let me just take care of you tonight, please?"...I don't need to be twisting sheets with you.

I'm not at all saying I'm the queen of the bedroom. I still have bad nights occasionally. I can be overly competitive and sometimes will remove myself from the "conversation" I wish to have in order to feel like I put it down the best. And I've even sat back and been bored so it can end and I can go to sleep. But for the most part, my sex is bomb.com for me and the person in the question. And that's because of the effort I've put in to becoming confident with my body, my skill level and my ability to communicate with my lover. As they say, ain't no fun if the homeys can't have none. I hope you, too, are having the best sex you can.

***-NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK! EVEN MORE THAN THIS! TRUST ME! It's a good video though.

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