Am I My Really My Sisters' Keeper? Pt. 1

via The Beautiful Struggler - Me, Myself and Eye

The good thing about continuing to be on this Earth another day is the opportunity to continue learning and growing. Those are things I try to do and things that I sometimes do in spite of myself. I've recently learned, or perhaps been reminded, that continual criticism of others without honest self-analysis isn't gonna get you far. Just something to think about, my friends.

A big piece of my writing and my public war, as you know, is men: misogyny, sexism, patriarchy, privilege. Some of y'all think I have armpit hair down to my knees, I'm sure. And I feel that my criticisms and issues as they relate to gender are valid. That's why I have them. However, as I unpack the issues I have with members of the opposite sex as they relate to love and romance, I must also look at the womenfolks and what we are doing wrong (in both our actions AND our criticisms).

A lot of people settle for being "right". They feel like winning an argument is a victory. I don't want to be America's Next Top Right Person. What's the sense in that? We pat ourselves on the back for recognizing racism and sexism that our racial or gender counterparts don't see. Okay, but now what? The point isn't to be the rightest person, but to change the world...right? Well, sometimes we gotta change ourselves too. No matter how marginalized or oppressed we are, we are still human flawed and sometimes just dead wrong.

Self-reflection is hard. Self-awareness is hard. Criticism of others? Eh, not so much. We can pile up complaints on other folks all day long without breaking a sweat, present company included. Now, constructive criticism isn't always easy; it requires a delicate convergence of emotion and fairness, honesty and thoughtfulness AND (if delivered properly) sensitivity.

How many of us are truly Tresevanty? Tell the truth, shame the devil.

That said, I am seeing some behavior in my sistren and myself that I find to be detrimental to our alleged goal of creating happy, loving relationships with men. Now, it's hard to be yet another voice telling women "Love: you are doing it wrong". There's millions of dollars grossed yearly thanks to the belief that women need to be reading and studying and obsessing over how to get a man, how to be ready to get a man, how to keep a man, how to sleep with a man. Women are telling us how. Men are telling us how.

I'm just not even gonna say anything.

I don't need to revisit the long repeated criticisms found in magazines and books about not learning to love ourselves first or trying to fix a "no-good" man. I have some other observations that are weakening not only our arguments about the things that men do wrong, but our ability to be the stand-out lovers and sisters we all seem to think we are. These are a couple of things I have peeped from sisters on the Twitter and in the real-life streets lately that I want to call out. A few today, a few more in the future.

1)It's Not Her. It's That You Are Not Her
Say I like a man named Marcus. We used to date, but he moved on and I didn't. Torch carrying game proper. Say Marcus begins dating a stunning model who I feel is prettier than me. I tell everyone who will listen how superficial he is. Now, say that Marcus instead starts dating a frumpy, no-style schlub. Now everyone has to hear about how wack she is and how I don't get what he sees in her. Sense, this does not make and how many times have we heard the SAME woman make these two very different complaints? You can substitute complexion, body type, socio-economic class for the things listed above as well. At the end of the day, the greatest criticism we have of our desired one's chosen one is the fact that they are not us. Do men do it? Absolutely. But I hear women doing this far more often: shaming men for being shallow in one breath, and then complaining about guys choosing "ugly" women in the next.

2) What Are We Asking For Again?
One of the biggest criticisms of the various feminist movements throughout time: women who seem to be chasing not equality, but male privilege. Wanting not balance, but the same access to be awful and oppressive to others. I, again, defer to Paolo Frere's theories on this. Well, even amongst decidedly "not" feminist women, there is a sentiment that condones dogging men out because it's been done to us. I don't mean direct relation against former lovers (which could actually be fair or even productive, depending on the cleverness of the vindictive woman). I'm talking about "Girl, I treat these men like they treat us. Okaaaay?"

Again...no comment.

Two can play the game, but we aren't really adding more wins to the overall cause. There's a big difference between being a strategic and choosy dater as opposed to a user and an asshole. The last thing women should do is try to deliberately emulate the worst in male behavior. It doesn't help anyone, just adds more jerks to the already booming suckery we have amongst us. Why? Using men for sex or two-timing them is not gonna undo whatever pain you or your mother or less 'savvy' friends may have experienced. All it's gonna do is create more ugliness in the world. Which we don't need. The world is plenty ugly as it is.

PLENTY!

In the interest of time, I'll stop here. I've got more, trust me! If I am the sister warrior-lover I believe I am, I have to look in the mirror and I have to look at my girls and challenge us when I think we are wrong. This is an ongoing personal project and I hope we can grow together, folks.

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