Five For Friday: Matrimony (Maybe You)

via The Beautiful Struggler - Me, Myself and Eye

An interesting question was posed on Twitter the other day: how do we make marriage more appealing to men? While a lot of sisters in their 20's and 30's are making wedding plans sans fiancee (or boyfriend or having had a date in 18 months), the menfolk seem to be working on a much slower time frame. While I do believe it is a misnomer that all the women want to be married and all the men want to be eternal bachelors, it does seem that marriage needs a bit of better PR these days. A lot of young brothers have admitted that while they DO plan to marry someday, the institution lacks appeal. Even many of us who want to be married at some point are lacking tangible examples of why or how we should do it in the first place.

We keep it light around these parts most Fridays, people. This week's FFF is in the spirit of fun, but also my commitment to my belief that Black people need to embrace marriage as a tool for community rebuilding.

1) A House Is Not A Home

You worked hard and purchased a house or condo or signed a lease on an apartment of your own. Swell! Say you have one bedroom, a living room, a bathroom, dining room and a kitchen. Not a ton of space, but a darn good amount. You buy some furniture, decorate it. Fantastic. Looking good. Not quite Architectural Digest, but certainly no schlubby college kid pigsty. You have a job, of course. Sometimes, you work late hours. You come home tired. You still spend a few nights kicking it with your friends. The weekends are filled with volunteering, taking your car to the shop, visiting family. You meant to wash those dishes, but you didn't get a chance to. You were gonna get those empty beer bottles from last Sunday's game out the living room, but you forgot. That nasty smell in the bathroom was scheduled for identification, but you didn't get around to it. Next thing you know:

Now by no means do I suggest that a wife is wholly responsible for keeping a house clean. But when you live with another person, you have someone else to do part of the work. You could get a roommate, but that's not really popping at 37, is it?

PS: They aren't roommates.
2) No, REALLY, A House Is Not A Home

How many of you have come home at the end of a long day feeling beaten and destroyed by the world, only to have an empty house waiting for you? If you wanna talk to somebody, you gotta dial the phone, but your fingers are tired. You want to eat, but then you gotta cook. And if you cook too much, because it's just you, you gotta either eat it all or wrap it up in Tupperware. If you eat up all the food, you might get fat and Tupperware lids get lost easy. So here you are: sad, lonely, fat and trying to wrap up your food with aluminum foil. How many men know to put baking soda in the refrigerator? Very few. So now, your sad fat arse is eating leftovers that taste like older leftovers. How dreadful! Now, if you had a wife, there's a good chance she'd have cooked something. And if she didn't, she'd be there to talk to you about your sad day while YOU cooked something. Or, she rubbed your back while dialed the phone to the restaurant. What punches harder? One fist or two? That was deep. Think about it and come back to me.

3) You Don't Want To Be That Guy, Do You?
While a lot of rappers from our youth have hit 40 plus with a relative level of coolness that allows them to kick it with the young folks even still, 1) they are rappers 2) you are not a rapper 3) they all married anyway. While I don't think there's a point in your life where you have to give up nightlife, there is something a little sad about that one old playa in the spot trying to give the young tenders all he got.

Look at young Lester. He's a handsome fella. Likes to hit up the bars and lounges with his buddies and dig the latest tunes. Lester wants to live the bachelor life forever. He thinks marriage is for simps. Call him Big Mike, cause he's just a playa playa.

Fast forward ten years:

Oh, Uncle Lester. Why didn't you choose a wife? All your friends are married with children. You're up in the 40/40 Club yelling out "This my soooong! Come on, baby gurrrrl!", buying amaretto sours for college chicks and all their friends.

4)Of Course, There's Always S-E-X

Hey! You live here, I live here. Why not?

Sex! It's important! You need it! You want it! People ruin they lives for it! Well, what if you had it living in your home? What if you didn't have to search the streets for some, what if you knew where your next piece was coming from? What if you had years to learn some one's body and her, yours, and all the things that make each other moan? Yes, we've gotten the memo that marriage is the death of an exciting sex life. But who said being single means you're having circus sex every night? Any happy sex life has it's low moments and requires a certain amount of effort to keep it healthy. Even with pregnancies, illnesses and family tragedies, it seems that having that good live in gives you a far greater shot at having a long and happy sex life than say...being Uncle Lester in the club. When things start failing and pills have to enter the picture, you want someone who loves you enough to work with you.

5) Teamwork Makes A Dream Work

"We did, baby." "We shole did."

Ahem. In all seriousness, wouldn't it be fantastic to have someone who is vested in your success so much as she is in her own? Someone who wants to create children with you who will carry on the legacy of both your families long after you are gone? Someone to toast with when things are good and to cry with when they are bad? Companionship? Nurturing? A special connection that no one else has?

I told my mother a few years ago that I wanted to be a wife someday and how afraid I was it wouldn't happen. She put some real game in my ear. She said if it's something I want, I have to work on being a worthy contender. I took that seriously and have worked on being a nurturer, a lover, a partner. On being healthy spirtiually, emotionally and yes, physically. I'm doing my leg work now, sometime before it's time for me to hit the aisle. What that looks like varies from person to person, but I don't think we should pitch something we aren't willing to work hard to earn.

Nothing worth having is easy and even good marriages fail. But if we focus our attention on picking partners when it's time who ultimately meet a balance of our needs and wants...who are suited to help us live both our fantasies and our dreams...then I think we have a fighting shot at creating healthy, happy partnerships and families. It might take us a few shots and a few trips down the aisle, but I believe. You may say that I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.

Bonus: This song make me think of a breezy July day, cooking breakfast for my loved one in his college tee shirt and watching him sleep. I think it can be that way.

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